i feel like i become things when my mother says i am not them.

"you can't go to Macalester... you're not an activist."
"why do you go around pretending you're an environmentalist all the sudden?"

i should really get her to question my abilities like that more often.

elliott smith singing to me

i love how things just happen as they should.

today has probably been the best birthday ever! i feel the best i have in my life, probably. ahhhh i am so thankful for everything i have.
it was so wonderful to spend time with my parents tonight. and to get to talk to mariya! and CLAIRE! oh my god claire. i had no idea what to say to her. but i love her and we have a really strong connection somehow.
and now kalli! it's so fun talking to her. she is INCREDIBLE. SERIOUSLY. i am so in awe of her. her life is so crazy but probably awesome. it would be neat to be a genius at everything.. she is so down to earth and personable too. yaay happy she exists!!

i have just been smiling so much today. i probably looked like a goon with mariya heh. and aw michelle's balloons made my day. i love having her as a friend!!

i am celebrating my life, every day. as in, LIFE itself. i feel so deeply connected to life each day. i feel awake. i am not in the 'darkness'

i should probably finish explicating this poem though, so i can sleep! and be somewhat coherent for peer group and stuff tomorrow ah... i should drink caffeine!

i want to be busy again. i dont know why i've been somewhat activity-less. it's lame! yeah.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOREVER

ahhhhmigos!

ahhh! i love amigos! this weekend has been such a fun time, no exaggeration! i love those people.

i felt really productive right when i returned home, but now i feel sleepy..

i genuinely love what i have experienced of this program thus far. unlike kairos where i always felt a bit out of place due to the religious theme.. (i feel bad for not discussing it with kate though, who loves kairos).

i had so much fun, even if i felt a bit lukewarm and out of place at the start. i haven't really been involved in a completely unfamiliar group of people in a while, and it's really interesting. i see a lot more of these people as friends now than i did prior to this trip.

i'm so glad abbie seeked me out initially. i thought she wasn't interested in being my friend (note to self: STOP THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT!!) so i was happy when she wanted to room together, sleep together (HA!) and stay up really late talking. she is so sweet, adorable, cool and interesting. yay.

it would take a while to explain everything, so i'm just going to let a stream of consciousness emerge:

stupid me, didn't finish scholarship, rushed and anxious, not that excited, short bus, almost late, justin, sleepy, justin talking too much about college, feeling left out of conversation, sleeping, awake, no healthy food, annoyed, cities, arrive, end room with abbie and revan, sleep in same bed, giggle,
i don't remember chronology from then, so will just list stuff:
chagas, nicole, nicole smokes, ripped jeans, nose ring, laughter, 'into the fire', fears and expectations, grace's 2 shirts, talking to eric on bus, 'i am an artist but i am not pretentious,' late night hide and go seek, household health and sanitation, veine el capitan, horrible spanish accents ahahah, eric is amazingly mature, phoebe reminds me of mel hebeisen, trust walk longer and more grueling than usual, magnificent ending at beautiful sand dunes/beach, dangerous walking on river (ah!), mr. katie and katie sledding, sex camp kids, 'i am afraid of christians', 'ditching' the breakfast table and feeling upset and scared they wouldn't like me, carol is a ninja at hiding, jeremy a hilarious clown and exhibitionist, eric (just learned name!) is hilarious and reminds me of ryan, jesus for children, passover surprise, should have used my camera to take pictures of all this!!, what i will miss most, feeling more and less afraid, bruce is really sweet, standing in her doorway after she talked about friend who committed suicide, lots of vegetarians, ben is openly gay and awesome, a mathlete, a blackbelt, wants to study public health, kate is a swimmer, maybe more fun than i thought, and likes dipping croutons in pink lemonade, cody seems shallow (but isn't, but just in our games), guessing ahogar, our rap of rules of conduct, raven's CRAZY MAD skills and doorag, WINNING THE NIGHT with 28 amigos points that mean nothing, ben seducing a banana last year, getting scabes, wearing my purple pants and argyle socks, no contacts, greasy knotty hair, hallway that smelled like poop, no one showered, jeremy's balls and hiding spots, ellis is more affectionate to me now, jane is a crazy jungle woman who loves zebra print and now calls me her Biffl, eric and my discussion of significant others, eric is an intellectual and his symbol for 'ocean iris', ayn rand, mcdonalds, tree song, maps, abbie falling out of window, apparently nicole has bitchy and bossy tendencies (so why do i like her so much?), grace hates catholicism and crowds and loves diet coke, affirmation circle, excitement, smiling muscles hurting, warmth, love, hugs, fitting in.

why is it that i talked about exactly what i should have AVOIDED with orrin?... my boyfriend and love life. jeez. that's strange to talk about with anyone i don't know well. gaaaahh

"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"ahah it's cool you admit that. i have totally had a crush on him too. i have really had a crush on everyone at some point. even during long-term relationships."
"oh.. how did those go?"
"well i'm in one right now, it's weird because it's also long-distance. ha ha."


Aghhhhhhhhh

"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"hahah that's cool. i have woman crushes too. or just crushes on everyone."
then just CUT IT SHORT there and talk about theatre and hmmm is he doing crew?
because i am kind of feeling like i want to hang out with orrin more. ahhhhhhhhh weird feelings i have a slight crush maybe because he is really sincere and his voice makes me want to listen and he active reads well and has a man-crush on paul. and his dad is a cool artist. don't know much else about him, do i..
"are you going to a club meeing? i feel like you're the type that would join clubs"
and his eyes.. they just had this really warm inviting look. melty. honey-like consistency. i felt drawn in.
i liked his jacket it was interesting.
i like him.
whenever we say hi to one another it is really sweet and i feel like we are in an old play or something. i cannot quite explain that. his sense of humor is really good and i feel very energetic around him.
we both don't sleep. or are nocturnal
i want to be around him more. but okay i will not date him i just needed to get this out of my system
am i really this flighty?
i wish i didn't tell him about ben guhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
it was really cool that we could just talk so comfortably and openly with one another so easily today. i think it's because of how i met him
i keep seeing him places and in pictures and everytime my stomach jerks funnily! ahhhh

today was a fabulous day.

i always feel better when i help people instead of sticking to my own track.

arrived at school 20 minutes late ahhaha, magically found a parking spot. went in the secret secret door no one notices. chatted with jen in the write place for a long time. she is so sweet with her uplifting christian rock and funky clothing and sincere optimism. yeah i really like her haha. funny how our relations have evolved. she might work with NSSRA because of me! yay! she also said my purple (indigo?) tights were awesome and that i have "funky" style ahha.

then i (also magically) had just enough time left to do the lit ap practice that was homework, apparently. i really like sydnee. lit class was warm and fuzzy as usual. it is so much more laid back since ms. scholz got more maternal with her behbeh. but we still manage to be intense. it's just fun fun fun. hehe i am a nerd.. i learned some awesome new vocabulary words today too! i will keep a running list from now on. and i must start documenting nico's daily cartoons on the whiteboard.
i hope my college classes are like lit. YES.

art was.. interesting. despite clamoring for work days, they seem to arrive at unforunate times. like today, when i aided hannah who was having a mid-senior year crisis with statistics. she was kind of madly desperate and repeating "fuck" over and over and i would never have forgiven myself to leave her alone like that. i suggested leaving and going home through the nurse, but then i realized it was a quiz not a test she had to take so i helped her learn stuff quickly. i love helping others learn things, it solidifies my own knowledge. and makes me feel warm for helping her.

everything just seems to be falling into place. i am actually getting to do what i want these days. i ate lunch with ben at roti today which was delightful. i love seeing him during school. i keep finding out about things at the right time, deadlines are being extended, people are understanding and good.
that sounds vague. ha.

the AMIGOS and INTERACT meetings were both really cool yesterday too. i liked looking at the dissenting view on international volunteerism. good to critically consider all viewpoints, but it only strenghtened my resolve to go to latin america. wow, i am still blown away by this opportunity.

i loved wearing indigo tights today. lots of comments. haha fun. i was not cold either!

the last day of peer group was kind of precious. i wish i took pictures and played music and had a group hug. but nonetheless it was really sweet to just sit and make picture frames with the kids and have them talk and have fun and play with all my weird old stickers. they said "aww" upon seeing the feast and pictures. i will really miss that group. good chemistry. they meshed well. i am happy but feel a twinge of sadness! jeez i wonder what my group will be like next semester. i pray for a good co-leader and some cool kids. also i need to get that david nugent kid into my group.

orrin luc is sweet and made me feel goofy when i saw him in the hallway and he said "are you going to a club? you seem the type that would. it's a compliment." his dad is a rockin' artist too. i hope i get to be friends with him through... STAGE CREW! which i am totes joining this spring! yaaay life is cool.

peacebone in my head

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i feel so inflated with inspiration.
i love deanna staffo and her work and her wedding and her life. she makes me want to attend MICA and get married and exit the reception gracefully on a bicycle.
also ben's vast knowledge of the artistic world is uber exciting. i actually feel as if i am eating delicious desserts when i take in art. wonderful.

skidmore is seeming like a fantastic option at this point! but so are the others! yay optimism. screw oberlin hahaha.

i think that i am going to decide here and now that i will not do track this spring. i will be sad not to be with haya or katie or molly or mel etc. and to not ever see how fast i really can run. buuuut chances are that haya would be weird (plus she's only in indoor anyhow) and that katie and molly would be caught up in XC cliques or whatever. and chances also are that i wouldn't sleep well and get injured anyhow. boo pessimism, but it is just realism in this case.
plus, i just know i won't be able to/want to make the committment at this point. i will NEED TO visit a bunch of schools in april, and i will need to think a lot. also i will have one million APs to take and consumer to do (eeek) and other responsibilities. it makes so much sense NOT to do it.

so...
ideas for a BEAUTIFUL SECOND SEMESTER:

1. run and swim on my own!
2. find a yoga class.
3. take a sunday art institute class? (unlikely, well then) evanston art center?
4. listen to more music (ben's, haha)
5. go to more concerts!
6. crack into that long-ass reading list i've developed.
7. ditto with films.
8. go shopping more--thrift stores-- and experiment with my appearance heheh.
9. organize social events (dinner party, art fieldtrip/indian food/sleepover, swimming reunion)
10. contribute more to INTERACT (meaning, really come to all events possible.)
11. contribute more to clubs in general (join enviro club, STAND)
12. make own earrings!
13. alter furniture! (sell it?) beginning with that old wooden stool.
14. do more serious research/thinking on colleges.
15. do consumer ed...blah..bogus.
16. get a part time job? that i could do in the first part of the summer and on college breaks
17. IMPROVE ORGANIZATION. actually CLEAN ROOM, closet, papers.
18. learn how to better manage time and prioritize. do what i need to first, then get to fun stuff. :]
19. have a garage sale?
20. learn how to be a more efficient worker
21. write!! for helicon, for myself. also for scholarships! haha
22. learn how to COOK! cook dinners, learn more about vegetarian or vegan foods, and get familiar in da kitchen.
23. ENJOY THE LAST PART OF HIGH SCHOOL :/ :] :[[ :O

Animal Collective--Peacebone

A Peacebone got found in the dinosaur wing
Well I’ve been jumpin in all over, but my fuels are slowly shrinking
It was a jugular vein in a juggler’s girl
It was supposedly leaking most interesting colors

Well half of my fingers
are dipped in the sand
You’re progressin letters that you use to cook your brocoli
The other side of takeout is mildew on rice

And an obsession with the past is like a kid flying
Just a few things are related to the old times
When we did believe in magic and we didn’t die
It’s not my words that you should follow, it’s your insight
Insight You trust your

I bet the monster was a-happy when we made him a maze
Cause he don’t understand intentions a-he just looks at your face
And then the bubbles exploded and tickled the bath
And all the birds were very curious all the fish were at the surface

Well half of me waiting for myself to get calm
I’m like a pelican at red tide
I’m a corpse, I’m not a fisherman
A blow out does not mean I will have a good night

Well I start in a hose and I end in a yard
And when I feel like I’m stealing I can keep myself from hearing God
I need the taste that you’re cookin could make me bow on the ground
It was the clouds that called the mountains
It was the mountains that made the kids scream

Well she wore all her apartments
She never was found
You think you’re talkin about the New York
To be an artist, but are you anything
You find out that you can’t ask a baby to cry

pondering

i am in a constant state of thinking.
i am not sure if i over-think, under-think, or if much of my thinking is really daydreaming. i strive to be a better thinker daily.
i wonder if other people think as much as i do. i'm sure they do, in fact many probably think more. i want to use my brain more.
i sincerely hope that every person is a thinker.

i have realized in the past two days how unfulfilled i feel at school--leading to my contemplation of the concept of fulfillment.
losing my voice was both funny and frustrating. it was interesting and almost a relief to not have to speak all of the time. i enjoyed wearing a sign labeling myself. i felt like a social experiment. david commented that "i am a talker" and i realized that i do often have something to say... in fact i almost always have something to say. that is a change from my past. hm.
at the same time, i felt more like an observer than a participant in my classes, which made me really think about them. i realized even more how unstimulating my a day classes are.

side note: i have problems. i want to be completely independent of my parents. as in, i want to be able to function without them. i feel i should be able to do that by now. but i know that i can't. i just got unnecessarily upset at my dad for talking to me about fixing my lateness and cleanliness issues. i just got really pissed and told him to cut off any assistance he gives me in those areas. agh. he said he was worried i would miss class and make enemies with my roommate in college. rawrg. i just feel ashamed i cannot already function independently.
and i cannot manage time for shit. but really, i am not trying. look at this. i got home right after school today. i sat and stared for like 15 minutes because i was tired. it would have been better to take care of my tiredness with one nap. but instead then i stared at the computer screen for awhile to "relax". after yesterday claiming i would not goof off on the computer. after my shower, i went in my warm bed and napped sortof for actually almost an hour.. what the hell?
i haven't done anything contructive yet. screw my thoughts about fulfillment and community. i will write about that later. i do love living in the ethereal world but i need to learn to function in kronos as well. it is a necessity of life. i also want to see ben and go ice skating. but i haven't finished applying to college or done my homework. where are my priorities?!

i will go to the library now, methinks. i am forced to focus there