pondering

i am in a constant state of thinking.
i am not sure if i over-think, under-think, or if much of my thinking is really daydreaming. i strive to be a better thinker daily.
i wonder if other people think as much as i do. i'm sure they do, in fact many probably think more. i want to use my brain more.
i sincerely hope that every person is a thinker.

i have realized in the past two days how unfulfilled i feel at school--leading to my contemplation of the concept of fulfillment.
losing my voice was both funny and frustrating. it was interesting and almost a relief to not have to speak all of the time. i enjoyed wearing a sign labeling myself. i felt like a social experiment. david commented that "i am a talker" and i realized that i do often have something to say... in fact i almost always have something to say. that is a change from my past. hm.
at the same time, i felt more like an observer than a participant in my classes, which made me really think about them. i realized even more how unstimulating my a day classes are.

side note: i have problems. i want to be completely independent of my parents. as in, i want to be able to function without them. i feel i should be able to do that by now. but i know that i can't. i just got unnecessarily upset at my dad for talking to me about fixing my lateness and cleanliness issues. i just got really pissed and told him to cut off any assistance he gives me in those areas. agh. he said he was worried i would miss class and make enemies with my roommate in college. rawrg. i just feel ashamed i cannot already function independently.
and i cannot manage time for shit. but really, i am not trying. look at this. i got home right after school today. i sat and stared for like 15 minutes because i was tired. it would have been better to take care of my tiredness with one nap. but instead then i stared at the computer screen for awhile to "relax". after yesterday claiming i would not goof off on the computer. after my shower, i went in my warm bed and napped sortof for actually almost an hour.. what the hell?
i haven't done anything contructive yet. screw my thoughts about fulfillment and community. i will write about that later. i do love living in the ethereal world but i need to learn to function in kronos as well. it is a necessity of life. i also want to see ben and go ice skating. but i haven't finished applying to college or done my homework. where are my priorities?!

i will go to the library now, methinks. i am forced to focus there