the return...

one of the most vital lessons i have been learning is to go with your gut, and the rest will follow.
with decisions at least, it is the way to go. even in everyday life, deciding what to do based on feelings often gets me where i need to be.
an important lesson for me to apply, as i am prone to indecision. i should learn to trust myself.

i am here writing this instead of sleeping because i often let my itchings to document my life go unsatisfied--no longer! i miss recording the ongoings of my life. i've written in my journal lately, but honestly i do not have the patience to write out daily occurrences in there. i'd rather record feelings and reflections in there. when i get more time (hackhack, never)--excuse me when i make more time for things, i want to actually keep a sketchbook. definitely this summer. but one where i record anything that flies out of my brain, to encourage my creativity out.

that is my main problem with my high school: the lack of creativity. i'm not saying it's entirely boring, but it is for sure not satisfying or conducive to my creative side. perhaps i shouldn't blame my high school for this, but i can certainly attribute it to my environment. my peers are not that creative. for the most part (and to my knowledge) they do not deviate from their contained lives. what i mean is, they don't live edgy lives. they aren't into art or literature or philosophy or good music or even the internet. now, i speak of those i have encountered. and okay maybe i have met some people who lean towards what i described, but then--ALL OF THEM DO DRUGS and other things i do not want to get into. shit, now i sound naive. i am recognizing my stereotype for these people. but i sincerely am repelled from substance abuse culture and its associations. yeah, these people probably are interesting and maybe do not ALWAYS do drugs, but personally i do not want to be involved in any of that, and thus i kinda shut out those labeled as "druggies." also, i just don't know how i would become associated with these people if it weren't forced. i'm not friends with them.
so basically what i feel we are lacking are some good solid NERDS. the interesting type. the types who aren't into school (but are probably awesome at it) but are into so many other things and have large stores of knowledge and experience with what they are drawn to. passionate people, but not considered "successful" by normal standards. people who listen to good music, damnit.
it might sound stupid, but i feel if i grew up in another environment, i'd be more like that. i have natural tendencies toward it. i am creative, i feel passionate about things, i am interested in the underside of things. but my focus wasn't really on developing those sides of me since about sixth grade. certain things fucked up my self confidence and for a long time i was just trying to make friends and feel accepted again. i came into high school with some legitimate goals: do well in school, be on varsity swimming, own AP art, MAKE FRIENDS and get a boyfriend. i really only haven't achieved that varsity letter (and am so glad of that anyway). the emphasis was really on make friends. i still felt so low socially that that was all i cared about and all i could focus on. i didn't foster interests outside of school, outside of what was expected of me. i suppose i am that dependent on other human beings, or at least i seriously need to feel love and kinship before i am really able to do anything. i have found that confidence fuels anything i do, and combined with perserverence, i can excel. i had nooo confidence. this is pretty much a new phenomenon propagated by two really intimate, healthy romantic relationships, an ever-expanding group of friends, seeing that many people whom i meet actually do in fact like me, and seeing what i can do. and liking myself and feeling some PRIDE for once.
now, i feel socially accepted.

BUT I ALSO FEEL FUCKING BORING.

why couldn't i have turned to books or art when i felt depressed? why didn't i at least read? listen to better music earlier? why for the past three years of my life have i put being a good, straight-edged student before anything else, really? i feel like i shut out my interests, and at this point, it's too late to catch up. i am so damn worried that the peers i would potentially admire and connect with most would find my personal pursuits inferior and my knowledge of things like books and movies and music below them.


well, now that that's out, i will toss a giant WHATEVER at it.
i only did what felt right at the moment for ...well my LIFE. i can't blame myself. i developed in the right ways at the right times, and i will continue to do so. i think i would probably be unhappy or have committed suicide by now if i hadn't remedied my social instability. i love people, and i love living and being myself. i HAD TO DISCOVER THAT.
now that i have, i can learn to balance in things i feel i "missed." and i won't waste time, probably--i'll only do, read, see what really interests me. i hope.

that is one of my resolutions--BALANCE. sums it up.
also, to be able to see the big picture of things and not to SUBMIT automatically. this also comes with confidence. i must be able to take a project like the CAP for Spanish and spend only a little time on reading about the stories, then do it as quickly as possibly while stile enjoying it. i must prioritize, because i will never get to do all i want, and there isn't always time to do things leisurely. i can be efficient and also enjoy things. easy to say, hard to do, though. but i'll strive for it.

i really have those and about a million other resolutions, which maybe i'll post later.

i really should sleep. damn. it's almost 1, i have stayed up til about 3 the past three nights, i am an idiot, my throat is made out of sandpaper (or so it feels)...
but writing this is also important, and i really just shouldn't have gotten distracted earlier. i hate that. i don't even remember what i did all day... hid my head in the sand, i guess?
i woke up past 11 and took my time eating, that's what i did. read like 4 pages of siddhartha. it's not even long at all but i'm not done with it yet. poop. meant to finish it over break.
i had a dream about broken glass a few nights ago--the internet told me it foreshadowed something nice coming to a sudden, unwelcome close. it predicted the future! that thing was WINTER BREAK, which is now technically over.
hot damnnnnn.
i always feel like it is forever, though. but i didn't get to do so many things i wanted to--finish college apps (hell!), hang out with mel and so many others, go downtown with ben, go to evanston, finally purchase an easel, go shopping, write letters to people, give out gifts, or GO SLEDDING. pppblt.
but i DID get to...
SLEEP a lot more, see my huge family which was awesome, hang out and bond with david a considerable amount, ditto with ben, reaffirm that i am in love with ben, apply to the jan. 1st schools, go to the beach, get freckles, get and give many hugs, go swimming a ton, jog a bit, take pictures, collect shells, RELAX, forget about school (haa), read a book, buy books, see at least one fantastic movie (slumdog millionaire, but also saw the fall at lizzee's), have an awesome new year's, stay out late, be a better daughter, sister and friend, have an awesome discussion with ben, feel lazy, get sick twice hahaha, see lizzee, see most of my best friends, and at least get a solid start on my CAP.

good good.

but now i need to finish my CAP, write and submit supplements to a few schools, paint something by tuesday, read psych apparently, study stats and catch up, study for finals ew, re-study to re-take spanish test i got an 80 on that i want to remedy.
eh, i can do it. maybe i couldn't do that while feeling super-relaxed over break, but once i get productive, IT CAN BE DONE!

maybe more about specific events over winter break later. it was a really nice, good time. eeee i wish i could have a solid free month like college kiddies do...