i love how things just happen as they should.
today has probably been the best birthday ever! i feel the best i have in my life, probably. ahhhh i am so thankful for everything i have.
it was so wonderful to spend time with my parents tonight. and to get to talk to mariya! and CLAIRE! oh my god claire. i had no idea what to say to her. but i love her and we have a really strong connection somehow.
and now kalli! it's so fun talking to her. she is INCREDIBLE. SERIOUSLY. i am so in awe of her. her life is so crazy but probably awesome. it would be neat to be a genius at everything.. she is so down to earth and personable too. yaay happy she exists!!
i have just been smiling so much today. i probably looked like a goon with mariya heh. and aw michelle's balloons made my day. i love having her as a friend!!
i am celebrating my life, every day. as in, LIFE itself. i feel so deeply connected to life each day. i feel awake. i am not in the 'darkness'
i should probably finish explicating this poem though, so i can sleep! and be somewhat coherent for peer group and stuff tomorrow ah... i should drink caffeine!
i want to be busy again. i dont know why i've been somewhat activity-less. it's lame! yeah.
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOREVER
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
ahhhhmigos!
ahhh! i love amigos! this weekend has been such a fun time, no exaggeration! i love those people.
i felt really productive right when i returned home, but now i feel sleepy..
i genuinely love what i have experienced of this program thus far. unlike kairos where i always felt a bit out of place due to the religious theme.. (i feel bad for not discussing it with kate though, who loves kairos).
i had so much fun, even if i felt a bit lukewarm and out of place at the start. i haven't really been involved in a completely unfamiliar group of people in a while, and it's really interesting. i see a lot more of these people as friends now than i did prior to this trip.
i'm so glad abbie seeked me out initially. i thought she wasn't interested in being my friend (note to self: STOP THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT!!) so i was happy when she wanted to room together, sleep together (HA!) and stay up really late talking. she is so sweet, adorable, cool and interesting. yay.
it would take a while to explain everything, so i'm just going to let a stream of consciousness emerge:
stupid me, didn't finish scholarship, rushed and anxious, not that excited, short bus, almost late, justin, sleepy, justin talking too much about college, feeling left out of conversation, sleeping, awake, no healthy food, annoyed, cities, arrive, end room with abbie and revan, sleep in same bed, giggle,
i don't remember chronology from then, so will just list stuff:
chagas, nicole, nicole smokes, ripped jeans, nose ring, laughter, 'into the fire', fears and expectations, grace's 2 shirts, talking to eric on bus, 'i am an artist but i am not pretentious,' late night hide and go seek, household health and sanitation, veine el capitan, horrible spanish accents ahahah, eric is amazingly mature, phoebe reminds me of mel hebeisen, trust walk longer and more grueling than usual, magnificent ending at beautiful sand dunes/beach, dangerous walking on river (ah!), mr. katie and katie sledding, sex camp kids, 'i am afraid of christians', 'ditching' the breakfast table and feeling upset and scared they wouldn't like me, carol is a ninja at hiding, jeremy a hilarious clown and exhibitionist, eric (just learned name!) is hilarious and reminds me of ryan, jesus for children, passover surprise, should have used my camera to take pictures of all this!!, what i will miss most, feeling more and less afraid, bruce is really sweet, standing in her doorway after she talked about friend who committed suicide, lots of vegetarians, ben is openly gay and awesome, a mathlete, a blackbelt, wants to study public health, kate is a swimmer, maybe more fun than i thought, and likes dipping croutons in pink lemonade, cody seems shallow (but isn't, but just in our games), guessing ahogar, our rap of rules of conduct, raven's CRAZY MAD skills and doorag, WINNING THE NIGHT with 28 amigos points that mean nothing, ben seducing a banana last year, getting scabes, wearing my purple pants and argyle socks, no contacts, greasy knotty hair, hallway that smelled like poop, no one showered, jeremy's balls and hiding spots, ellis is more affectionate to me now, jane is a crazy jungle woman who loves zebra print and now calls me her Biffl, eric and my discussion of significant others, eric is an intellectual and his symbol for 'ocean iris', ayn rand, mcdonalds, tree song, maps, abbie falling out of window, apparently nicole has bitchy and bossy tendencies (so why do i like her so much?), grace hates catholicism and crowds and loves diet coke, affirmation circle, excitement, smiling muscles hurting, warmth, love, hugs, fitting in.
i felt really productive right when i returned home, but now i feel sleepy..
i genuinely love what i have experienced of this program thus far. unlike kairos where i always felt a bit out of place due to the religious theme.. (i feel bad for not discussing it with kate though, who loves kairos).
i had so much fun, even if i felt a bit lukewarm and out of place at the start. i haven't really been involved in a completely unfamiliar group of people in a while, and it's really interesting. i see a lot more of these people as friends now than i did prior to this trip.
i'm so glad abbie seeked me out initially. i thought she wasn't interested in being my friend (note to self: STOP THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT!!) so i was happy when she wanted to room together, sleep together (HA!) and stay up really late talking. she is so sweet, adorable, cool and interesting. yay.
it would take a while to explain everything, so i'm just going to let a stream of consciousness emerge:
stupid me, didn't finish scholarship, rushed and anxious, not that excited, short bus, almost late, justin, sleepy, justin talking too much about college, feeling left out of conversation, sleeping, awake, no healthy food, annoyed, cities, arrive, end room with abbie and revan, sleep in same bed, giggle,
i don't remember chronology from then, so will just list stuff:
chagas, nicole, nicole smokes, ripped jeans, nose ring, laughter, 'into the fire', fears and expectations, grace's 2 shirts, talking to eric on bus, 'i am an artist but i am not pretentious,' late night hide and go seek, household health and sanitation, veine el capitan, horrible spanish accents ahahah, eric is amazingly mature, phoebe reminds me of mel hebeisen, trust walk longer and more grueling than usual, magnificent ending at beautiful sand dunes/beach, dangerous walking on river (ah!), mr. katie and katie sledding, sex camp kids, 'i am afraid of christians', 'ditching' the breakfast table and feeling upset and scared they wouldn't like me, carol is a ninja at hiding, jeremy a hilarious clown and exhibitionist, eric (just learned name!) is hilarious and reminds me of ryan, jesus for children, passover surprise, should have used my camera to take pictures of all this!!, what i will miss most, feeling more and less afraid, bruce is really sweet, standing in her doorway after she talked about friend who committed suicide, lots of vegetarians, ben is openly gay and awesome, a mathlete, a blackbelt, wants to study public health, kate is a swimmer, maybe more fun than i thought, and likes dipping croutons in pink lemonade, cody seems shallow (but isn't, but just in our games), guessing ahogar, our rap of rules of conduct, raven's CRAZY MAD skills and doorag, WINNING THE NIGHT with 28 amigos points that mean nothing, ben seducing a banana last year, getting scabes, wearing my purple pants and argyle socks, no contacts, greasy knotty hair, hallway that smelled like poop, no one showered, jeremy's balls and hiding spots, ellis is more affectionate to me now, jane is a crazy jungle woman who loves zebra print and now calls me her Biffl, eric and my discussion of significant others, eric is an intellectual and his symbol for 'ocean iris', ayn rand, mcdonalds, tree song, maps, abbie falling out of window, apparently nicole has bitchy and bossy tendencies (so why do i like her so much?), grace hates catholicism and crowds and loves diet coke, affirmation circle, excitement, smiling muscles hurting, warmth, love, hugs, fitting in.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
why is it that i talked about exactly what i should have AVOIDED with orrin?... my boyfriend and love life. jeez. that's strange to talk about with anyone i don't know well. gaaaahh
"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"ahah it's cool you admit that. i have totally had a crush on him too. i have really had a crush on everyone at some point. even during long-term relationships."
"oh.. how did those go?"
"well i'm in one right now, it's weird because it's also long-distance. ha ha."
Aghhhhhhhhh
"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"hahah that's cool. i have woman crushes too. or just crushes on everyone."
then just CUT IT SHORT there and talk about theatre and hmmm is he doing crew?
because i am kind of feeling like i want to hang out with orrin more. ahhhhhhhhh weird feelings i have a slight crush maybe because he is really sincere and his voice makes me want to listen and he active reads well and has a man-crush on paul. and his dad is a cool artist. don't know much else about him, do i..
"are you going to a club meeing? i feel like you're the type that would join clubs"
and his eyes.. they just had this really warm inviting look. melty. honey-like consistency. i felt drawn in.
i liked his jacket it was interesting.
i like him.
whenever we say hi to one another it is really sweet and i feel like we are in an old play or something. i cannot quite explain that. his sense of humor is really good and i feel very energetic around him.
we both don't sleep. or are nocturnal
i want to be around him more. but okay i will not date him i just needed to get this out of my system
am i really this flighty?
i wish i didn't tell him about ben guhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
it was really cool that we could just talk so comfortably and openly with one another so easily today. i think it's because of how i met him
i keep seeing him places and in pictures and everytime my stomach jerks funnily! ahhhh
"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"ahah it's cool you admit that. i have totally had a crush on him too. i have really had a crush on everyone at some point. even during long-term relationships."
"oh.. how did those go?"
"well i'm in one right now, it's weird because it's also long-distance. ha ha."
Aghhhhhhhhh
"yeah, i kindof have a man crush.."
"hahah that's cool. i have woman crushes too. or just crushes on everyone."
then just CUT IT SHORT there and talk about theatre and hmmm is he doing crew?
because i am kind of feeling like i want to hang out with orrin more. ahhhhhhhhh weird feelings i have a slight crush maybe because he is really sincere and his voice makes me want to listen and he active reads well and has a man-crush on paul. and his dad is a cool artist. don't know much else about him, do i..
"are you going to a club meeing? i feel like you're the type that would join clubs"
and his eyes.. they just had this really warm inviting look. melty. honey-like consistency. i felt drawn in.
i liked his jacket it was interesting.
i like him.
whenever we say hi to one another it is really sweet and i feel like we are in an old play or something. i cannot quite explain that. his sense of humor is really good and i feel very energetic around him.
we both don't sleep. or are nocturnal
i want to be around him more. but okay i will not date him i just needed to get this out of my system
am i really this flighty?
i wish i didn't tell him about ben guhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
it was really cool that we could just talk so comfortably and openly with one another so easily today. i think it's because of how i met him
i keep seeing him places and in pictures and everytime my stomach jerks funnily! ahhhh
Monday, January 12, 2009
today was a fabulous day.
i always feel better when i help people instead of sticking to my own track.
arrived at school 20 minutes late ahhaha, magically found a parking spot. went in the secret secret door no one notices. chatted with jen in the write place for a long time. she is so sweet with her uplifting christian rock and funky clothing and sincere optimism. yeah i really like her haha. funny how our relations have evolved. she might work with NSSRA because of me! yay! she also said my purple (indigo?) tights were awesome and that i have "funky" style ahha.
then i (also magically) had just enough time left to do the lit ap practice that was homework, apparently. i really like sydnee. lit class was warm and fuzzy as usual. it is so much more laid back since ms. scholz got more maternal with her behbeh. but we still manage to be intense. it's just fun fun fun. hehe i am a nerd.. i learned some awesome new vocabulary words today too! i will keep a running list from now on. and i must start documenting nico's daily cartoons on the whiteboard.
i hope my college classes are like lit. YES.
art was.. interesting. despite clamoring for work days, they seem to arrive at unforunate times. like today, when i aided hannah who was having a mid-senior year crisis with statistics. she was kind of madly desperate and repeating "fuck" over and over and i would never have forgiven myself to leave her alone like that. i suggested leaving and going home through the nurse, but then i realized it was a quiz not a test she had to take so i helped her learn stuff quickly. i love helping others learn things, it solidifies my own knowledge. and makes me feel warm for helping her.
everything just seems to be falling into place. i am actually getting to do what i want these days. i ate lunch with ben at roti today which was delightful. i love seeing him during school. i keep finding out about things at the right time, deadlines are being extended, people are understanding and good.
that sounds vague. ha.
the AMIGOS and INTERACT meetings were both really cool yesterday too. i liked looking at the dissenting view on international volunteerism. good to critically consider all viewpoints, but it only strenghtened my resolve to go to latin america. wow, i am still blown away by this opportunity.
i loved wearing indigo tights today. lots of comments. haha fun. i was not cold either!
the last day of peer group was kind of precious. i wish i took pictures and played music and had a group hug. but nonetheless it was really sweet to just sit and make picture frames with the kids and have them talk and have fun and play with all my weird old stickers. they said "aww" upon seeing the feast and pictures. i will really miss that group. good chemistry. they meshed well. i am happy but feel a twinge of sadness! jeez i wonder what my group will be like next semester. i pray for a good co-leader and some cool kids. also i need to get that david nugent kid into my group.
orrin luc is sweet and made me feel goofy when i saw him in the hallway and he said "are you going to a club? you seem the type that would. it's a compliment." his dad is a rockin' artist too. i hope i get to be friends with him through... STAGE CREW! which i am totes joining this spring! yaaay life is cool.
i always feel better when i help people instead of sticking to my own track.
arrived at school 20 minutes late ahhaha, magically found a parking spot. went in the secret secret door no one notices. chatted with jen in the write place for a long time. she is so sweet with her uplifting christian rock and funky clothing and sincere optimism. yeah i really like her haha. funny how our relations have evolved. she might work with NSSRA because of me! yay! she also said my purple (indigo?) tights were awesome and that i have "funky" style ahha.
then i (also magically) had just enough time left to do the lit ap practice that was homework, apparently. i really like sydnee. lit class was warm and fuzzy as usual. it is so much more laid back since ms. scholz got more maternal with her behbeh. but we still manage to be intense. it's just fun fun fun. hehe i am a nerd.. i learned some awesome new vocabulary words today too! i will keep a running list from now on. and i must start documenting nico's daily cartoons on the whiteboard.
i hope my college classes are like lit. YES.
art was.. interesting. despite clamoring for work days, they seem to arrive at unforunate times. like today, when i aided hannah who was having a mid-senior year crisis with statistics. she was kind of madly desperate and repeating "fuck" over and over and i would never have forgiven myself to leave her alone like that. i suggested leaving and going home through the nurse, but then i realized it was a quiz not a test she had to take so i helped her learn stuff quickly. i love helping others learn things, it solidifies my own knowledge. and makes me feel warm for helping her.
everything just seems to be falling into place. i am actually getting to do what i want these days. i ate lunch with ben at roti today which was delightful. i love seeing him during school. i keep finding out about things at the right time, deadlines are being extended, people are understanding and good.
that sounds vague. ha.
the AMIGOS and INTERACT meetings were both really cool yesterday too. i liked looking at the dissenting view on international volunteerism. good to critically consider all viewpoints, but it only strenghtened my resolve to go to latin america. wow, i am still blown away by this opportunity.
i loved wearing indigo tights today. lots of comments. haha fun. i was not cold either!
the last day of peer group was kind of precious. i wish i took pictures and played music and had a group hug. but nonetheless it was really sweet to just sit and make picture frames with the kids and have them talk and have fun and play with all my weird old stickers. they said "aww" upon seeing the feast and pictures. i will really miss that group. good chemistry. they meshed well. i am happy but feel a twinge of sadness! jeez i wonder what my group will be like next semester. i pray for a good co-leader and some cool kids. also i need to get that david nugent kid into my group.
orrin luc is sweet and made me feel goofy when i saw him in the hallway and he said "are you going to a club? you seem the type that would. it's a compliment." his dad is a rockin' artist too. i hope i get to be friends with him through... STAGE CREW! which i am totes joining this spring! yaaay life is cool.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
peacebone in my head
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i feel so inflated with inspiration.
i love deanna staffo and her work and her wedding and her life. she makes me want to attend MICA and get married and exit the reception gracefully on a bicycle.
also ben's vast knowledge of the artistic world is uber exciting. i actually feel as if i am eating delicious desserts when i take in art. wonderful.
skidmore is seeming like a fantastic option at this point! but so are the others! yay optimism. screw oberlin hahaha.
i think that i am going to decide here and now that i will not do track this spring. i will be sad not to be with haya or katie or molly or mel etc. and to not ever see how fast i really can run. buuuut chances are that haya would be weird (plus she's only in indoor anyhow) and that katie and molly would be caught up in XC cliques or whatever. and chances also are that i wouldn't sleep well and get injured anyhow. boo pessimism, but it is just realism in this case.
plus, i just know i won't be able to/want to make the committment at this point. i will NEED TO visit a bunch of schools in april, and i will need to think a lot. also i will have one million APs to take and consumer to do (eeek) and other responsibilities. it makes so much sense NOT to do it.
so...
ideas for a BEAUTIFUL SECOND SEMESTER:
1. run and swim on my own!
2. find a yoga class.
3. take a sunday art institute class? (unlikely, well then) evanston art center?
4. listen to more music (ben's, haha)
5. go to more concerts!
6. crack into that long-ass reading list i've developed.
7. ditto with films.
8. go shopping more--thrift stores-- and experiment with my appearance heheh.
9. organize social events (dinner party, art fieldtrip/indian food/sleepover, swimming reunion)
10. contribute more to INTERACT (meaning, really come to all events possible.)
11. contribute more to clubs in general (join enviro club, STAND)
12. make own earrings!
13. alter furniture! (sell it?) beginning with that old wooden stool.
14. do more serious research/thinking on colleges.
15. do consumer ed...blah..bogus.
16. get a part time job? that i could do in the first part of the summer and on college breaks
17. IMPROVE ORGANIZATION. actually CLEAN ROOM, closet, papers.
18. learn how to better manage time and prioritize. do what i need to first, then get to fun stuff. :]
19. have a garage sale?
20. learn how to be a more efficient worker
21. write!! for helicon, for myself. also for scholarships! haha
22. learn how to COOK! cook dinners, learn more about vegetarian or vegan foods, and get familiar in da kitchen.
23. ENJOY THE LAST PART OF HIGH SCHOOL :/ :] :[[ :O
i feel so inflated with inspiration.
i love deanna staffo and her work and her wedding and her life. she makes me want to attend MICA and get married and exit the reception gracefully on a bicycle.
also ben's vast knowledge of the artistic world is uber exciting. i actually feel as if i am eating delicious desserts when i take in art. wonderful.
skidmore is seeming like a fantastic option at this point! but so are the others! yay optimism. screw oberlin hahaha.
i think that i am going to decide here and now that i will not do track this spring. i will be sad not to be with haya or katie or molly or mel etc. and to not ever see how fast i really can run. buuuut chances are that haya would be weird (plus she's only in indoor anyhow) and that katie and molly would be caught up in XC cliques or whatever. and chances also are that i wouldn't sleep well and get injured anyhow. boo pessimism, but it is just realism in this case.
plus, i just know i won't be able to/want to make the committment at this point. i will NEED TO visit a bunch of schools in april, and i will need to think a lot. also i will have one million APs to take and consumer to do (eeek) and other responsibilities. it makes so much sense NOT to do it.
so...
ideas for a BEAUTIFUL SECOND SEMESTER:
1. run and swim on my own!
2. find a yoga class.
3. take a sunday art institute class? (unlikely, well then) evanston art center?
4. listen to more music (ben's, haha)
5. go to more concerts!
6. crack into that long-ass reading list i've developed.
7. ditto with films.
8. go shopping more--thrift stores-- and experiment with my appearance heheh.
9. organize social events (dinner party, art fieldtrip/indian food/sleepover, swimming reunion)
10. contribute more to INTERACT (meaning, really come to all events possible.)
11. contribute more to clubs in general (join enviro club, STAND)
12. make own earrings!
13. alter furniture! (sell it?) beginning with that old wooden stool.
14. do more serious research/thinking on colleges.
15. do consumer ed...blah..bogus.
16. get a part time job? that i could do in the first part of the summer and on college breaks
17. IMPROVE ORGANIZATION. actually CLEAN ROOM, closet, papers.
18. learn how to better manage time and prioritize. do what i need to first, then get to fun stuff. :]
19. have a garage sale?
20. learn how to be a more efficient worker
21. write!! for helicon, for myself. also for scholarships! haha
22. learn how to COOK! cook dinners, learn more about vegetarian or vegan foods, and get familiar in da kitchen.
23. ENJOY THE LAST PART OF HIGH SCHOOL :/ :] :[[ :O
Animal Collective--Peacebone
A Peacebone got found in the dinosaur wing
Well I’ve been jumpin in all over, but my fuels are slowly shrinking
It was a jugular vein in a juggler’s girl
It was supposedly leaking most interesting colors
Well half of my fingers
are dipped in the sand
You’re progressin letters that you use to cook your brocoli
The other side of takeout is mildew on rice
And an obsession with the past is like a kid flying
Just a few things are related to the old times
When we did believe in magic and we didn’t die
It’s not my words that you should follow, it’s your insight
Insight You trust your
I bet the monster was a-happy when we made him a maze
Cause he don’t understand intentions a-he just looks at your face
And then the bubbles exploded and tickled the bath
And all the birds were very curious all the fish were at the surface
Well half of me waiting for myself to get calm
I’m like a pelican at red tide
I’m a corpse, I’m not a fisherman
A blow out does not mean I will have a good night
Well I start in a hose and I end in a yard
And when I feel like I’m stealing I can keep myself from hearing God
I need the taste that you’re cookin could make me bow on the ground
It was the clouds that called the mountains
It was the mountains that made the kids scream
Well she wore all her apartments
She never was found
You think you’re talkin about the New York
To be an artist, but are you anything
You find out that you can’t ask a baby to cry
Thursday, January 8, 2009
pondering
i am in a constant state of thinking.
i am not sure if i over-think, under-think, or if much of my thinking is really daydreaming. i strive to be a better thinker daily.
i wonder if other people think as much as i do. i'm sure they do, in fact many probably think more. i want to use my brain more.
i sincerely hope that every person is a thinker.
i have realized in the past two days how unfulfilled i feel at school--leading to my contemplation of the concept of fulfillment.
losing my voice was both funny and frustrating. it was interesting and almost a relief to not have to speak all of the time. i enjoyed wearing a sign labeling myself. i felt like a social experiment. david commented that "i am a talker" and i realized that i do often have something to say... in fact i almost always have something to say. that is a change from my past. hm.
at the same time, i felt more like an observer than a participant in my classes, which made me really think about them. i realized even more how unstimulating my a day classes are.
side note: i have problems. i want to be completely independent of my parents. as in, i want to be able to function without them. i feel i should be able to do that by now. but i know that i can't. i just got unnecessarily upset at my dad for talking to me about fixing my lateness and cleanliness issues. i just got really pissed and told him to cut off any assistance he gives me in those areas. agh. he said he was worried i would miss class and make enemies with my roommate in college. rawrg. i just feel ashamed i cannot already function independently.
and i cannot manage time for shit. but really, i am not trying. look at this. i got home right after school today. i sat and stared for like 15 minutes because i was tired. it would have been better to take care of my tiredness with one nap. but instead then i stared at the computer screen for awhile to "relax". after yesterday claiming i would not goof off on the computer. after my shower, i went in my warm bed and napped sortof for actually almost an hour.. what the hell?
i haven't done anything contructive yet. screw my thoughts about fulfillment and community. i will write about that later. i do love living in the ethereal world but i need to learn to function in kronos as well. it is a necessity of life. i also want to see ben and go ice skating. but i haven't finished applying to college or done my homework. where are my priorities?!
i will go to the library now, methinks. i am forced to focus there
i am not sure if i over-think, under-think, or if much of my thinking is really daydreaming. i strive to be a better thinker daily.
i wonder if other people think as much as i do. i'm sure they do, in fact many probably think more. i want to use my brain more.
i sincerely hope that every person is a thinker.
i have realized in the past two days how unfulfilled i feel at school--leading to my contemplation of the concept of fulfillment.
losing my voice was both funny and frustrating. it was interesting and almost a relief to not have to speak all of the time. i enjoyed wearing a sign labeling myself. i felt like a social experiment. david commented that "i am a talker" and i realized that i do often have something to say... in fact i almost always have something to say. that is a change from my past. hm.
at the same time, i felt more like an observer than a participant in my classes, which made me really think about them. i realized even more how unstimulating my a day classes are.
side note: i have problems. i want to be completely independent of my parents. as in, i want to be able to function without them. i feel i should be able to do that by now. but i know that i can't. i just got unnecessarily upset at my dad for talking to me about fixing my lateness and cleanliness issues. i just got really pissed and told him to cut off any assistance he gives me in those areas. agh. he said he was worried i would miss class and make enemies with my roommate in college. rawrg. i just feel ashamed i cannot already function independently.
and i cannot manage time for shit. but really, i am not trying. look at this. i got home right after school today. i sat and stared for like 15 minutes because i was tired. it would have been better to take care of my tiredness with one nap. but instead then i stared at the computer screen for awhile to "relax". after yesterday claiming i would not goof off on the computer. after my shower, i went in my warm bed and napped sortof for actually almost an hour.. what the hell?
i haven't done anything contructive yet. screw my thoughts about fulfillment and community. i will write about that later. i do love living in the ethereal world but i need to learn to function in kronos as well. it is a necessity of life. i also want to see ben and go ice skating. but i haven't finished applying to college or done my homework. where are my priorities?!
i will go to the library now, methinks. i am forced to focus there
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
shleepy and voiceless
ahhhhhhhhh my voice is gone! it feels so strange. i like being able to speak and sing along to songs. i hope it comes back relatively soon. like tomorrow. i feel really awful for hellen keller or mutes. agh. agh.
i took a four hour nap today oops. i think i was exhausted after only sleeping about 4 hours each night the past two nights.. what is wrong with me?! i need to take care of myself!
i am going to sleep in about an hour after i do more statistics. i just feel sluggish now.
i have a lot to do.. listed here with estimated times:
finish CAP powerpoint and notes (1 hour)
CAP book (5 hours)
finish art stuff (1-1.5 hours)
psych reading (1.5 hours)
finish supplements (1 hour each, so 4 hours...)
study for statistics (a long time? a few hours)
english homework (.5 hours)
all without distractions and on a good amount of sleep.
total: approx. 16 hours. divided up between the next five days.. a bit more than 3 hours a day. not bad, if i manage time and do it in increments and with ben's help for the book.
oh yeah.. but that isn't to mention i need to study for finals. well, some of that is related to studying, but some isn't..
weekend plan: peer group dinner friday, dinner with dawn and swimmers saturday, or else with ben and his friends. see lizzee before saturday. hang with ben, go to field museum?
i should probably create a separate blog for lists. i am a compulsive lister (ain't everyone) but i don't like looking back on them if they aren't of long-term significance.
mmkay. statistics here i coome. cowabunga?
i took a four hour nap today oops. i think i was exhausted after only sleeping about 4 hours each night the past two nights.. what is wrong with me?! i need to take care of myself!
i am going to sleep in about an hour after i do more statistics. i just feel sluggish now.
i have a lot to do.. listed here with estimated times:
finish CAP powerpoint and notes (1 hour)
CAP book (5 hours)
finish art stuff (1-1.5 hours)
psych reading (1.5 hours)
finish supplements (1 hour each, so 4 hours...)
study for statistics (a long time? a few hours)
english homework (.5 hours)
all without distractions and on a good amount of sleep.
total: approx. 16 hours. divided up between the next five days.. a bit more than 3 hours a day. not bad, if i manage time and do it in increments and with ben's help for the book.
oh yeah.. but that isn't to mention i need to study for finals. well, some of that is related to studying, but some isn't..
weekend plan: peer group dinner friday, dinner with dawn and swimmers saturday, or else with ben and his friends. see lizzee before saturday. hang with ben, go to field museum?
i should probably create a separate blog for lists. i am a compulsive lister (ain't everyone) but i don't like looking back on them if they aren't of long-term significance.
mmkay. statistics here i coome. cowabunga?
Monday, January 5, 2009
decisions make me eat myself.
shit fuck shit crap ahhh holy crap
i am getting really freaked out suddenly about this summer.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
when i signed up for AMIGOS, i honestly didn't plan on staying together with ben. i didn't think i would want to stay over the summer if not for him.. i would just work, take some art class, work some more and see friends. it would be fun but AMIGOS appealed to me so much more.
now, after winter break and pretty much falling back in love with ben, I AM SCARED TO LEAVE FOR SIX WEEKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER.
i think of the development i could have at home. and the FUN. and the time i need to catch up in so many areas of my life.
i want to stay for:
ben
art camp
maybe a second job
quality time with my friends and family
art: do more on my own, keep sketchbook, take classes
music: more listening, obtaining, concerts and festivals of course
so many things to do downtown: festivals, thrifting, try out new places, explore
to read and catch up in indie culture
watch movies
perhaps take some trip with my friends
double dates with michelle and kristian
hangouts with ben and my friends, vice versa
ren faire maybe
habitat!
july 4
why i wouldn't mind leaving:
david won't be home
it'd be similarly structured to last summer--but then again, last summer was supreme...
lizzee won't be home
i might be so busy anyhow that i wouldn't get to do a lot of what i mentioned.. but i bet i could do a lot!
GOSH. OHHHHHHHAHHHHHDOSGHOSDGUDGH!!
the worst is that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS. i am PAYING MONEY to leave when i no longer want to.
i am so frightened and nervous and afraid i am making the wrong decision. the whole middle part of the summer. it'll feel crazy. i won't get to do art or any of the above mentioned. oh my God. i hope that this is meant to be, and that it is AWESOME, or else i will cry forever.
i hope financial aid doesn't shun me for taking a trip like this instead of staying home and working.
i really should be staying home and working...
jeez. jeez. jeez.
i just feel like i should have taken this trip sophomore year, when my summer was boring anyhow. i could have become a better person or whatever then and proceeded to make a difference starting then instead of junior year. i could be working THIS summer and stuff. it'd be like flipping the two.
that would have been ideal, yes.
------
as much as i'm freaking out now, i know i won't regret this. i just need to get over it. this is meant to be, or else it wouldn't be happening. it will be beyond worth it.
plus, this is how life will be. from now on. now. being an adult (hahah waaa). i need to make decisions and accept their consequences. and while there will always be negative outcomes, i just have to hope and pray i make the best decisions for myself. the "best" does not always mean the most fun at the time. ahhhhhhh i wish i could just plan out my life but have it be really nice all the time and what am i saying. foolish idealist.
also. hm. maybe my relationship with ben will fluctuate by then anyhow. except i have a feeling it won't. his feelings won't. mine won't unless i get weird again. but i will not. i feel stronger with him. maybe this is a test, and it will also make me stronger. aghghghgh
i hope the rest of the summer at home feels like long enough. i hope i can still makes some money and do art and see people and read and go to concerts and festivals and cool places. i will make the most of it. at least i am not gone the whole time. i will just miss the whole development of it WAHHHHHBOOOO
okay. i also have to realize that sacrifices will always be made in life. i cannot have everything. this is what i chose, this is right, it will be awesome, i should get damn excited about it!!!!
i am getting really freaked out suddenly about this summer.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
when i signed up for AMIGOS, i honestly didn't plan on staying together with ben. i didn't think i would want to stay over the summer if not for him.. i would just work, take some art class, work some more and see friends. it would be fun but AMIGOS appealed to me so much more.
now, after winter break and pretty much falling back in love with ben, I AM SCARED TO LEAVE FOR SIX WEEKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER.
i think of the development i could have at home. and the FUN. and the time i need to catch up in so many areas of my life.
i want to stay for:
ben
art camp
maybe a second job
quality time with my friends and family
art: do more on my own, keep sketchbook, take classes
music: more listening, obtaining, concerts and festivals of course
so many things to do downtown: festivals, thrifting, try out new places, explore
to read and catch up in indie culture
watch movies
perhaps take some trip with my friends
double dates with michelle and kristian
hangouts with ben and my friends, vice versa
ren faire maybe
habitat!
july 4
why i wouldn't mind leaving:
david won't be home
it'd be similarly structured to last summer--but then again, last summer was supreme...
lizzee won't be home
i might be so busy anyhow that i wouldn't get to do a lot of what i mentioned.. but i bet i could do a lot!
GOSH. OHHHHHHHAHHHHHDOSGHOSDGUDGH!!
the worst is that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS. i am PAYING MONEY to leave when i no longer want to.
i am so frightened and nervous and afraid i am making the wrong decision. the whole middle part of the summer. it'll feel crazy. i won't get to do art or any of the above mentioned. oh my God. i hope that this is meant to be, and that it is AWESOME, or else i will cry forever.
i hope financial aid doesn't shun me for taking a trip like this instead of staying home and working.
i really should be staying home and working...
jeez. jeez. jeez.
i just feel like i should have taken this trip sophomore year, when my summer was boring anyhow. i could have become a better person or whatever then and proceeded to make a difference starting then instead of junior year. i could be working THIS summer and stuff. it'd be like flipping the two.
that would have been ideal, yes.
------
as much as i'm freaking out now, i know i won't regret this. i just need to get over it. this is meant to be, or else it wouldn't be happening. it will be beyond worth it.
plus, this is how life will be. from now on. now. being an adult (hahah waaa). i need to make decisions and accept their consequences. and while there will always be negative outcomes, i just have to hope and pray i make the best decisions for myself. the "best" does not always mean the most fun at the time. ahhhhhhh i wish i could just plan out my life but have it be really nice all the time and what am i saying. foolish idealist.
also. hm. maybe my relationship with ben will fluctuate by then anyhow. except i have a feeling it won't. his feelings won't. mine won't unless i get weird again. but i will not. i feel stronger with him. maybe this is a test, and it will also make me stronger. aghghghgh
i hope the rest of the summer at home feels like long enough. i hope i can still makes some money and do art and see people and read and go to concerts and festivals and cool places. i will make the most of it. at least i am not gone the whole time. i will just miss the whole development of it WAHHHHHBOOOO
okay. i also have to realize that sacrifices will always be made in life. i cannot have everything. this is what i chose, this is right, it will be awesome, i should get damn excited about it!!!!
turtling it up
Today I truly felt like a turtle. Unbearably slow, under the weight of my heavy backpack (shell), hiding from the outside world.
School, at least on A-days, is getting to me. My classes are not intellectually stimulating. Really, I hardly even put effort into them anymore. But even when I did, I found no reward and didn’t perform well (except in psych, but duh). Well, I mean just below an A. But I feel like I should be able to get As, because even though they are “AP classes and so much harder,” NO, they really aren’t. I could have taken these classes sophomore year. In fact, my sophomore year was way harder. I’m not sure it was more enjoyable, but I certainly learned more.
I feel lame in school. I hope colleges think my academic record is good, because actually, I don’t. Not compared to what others have accomplished or what I could have. Sure, I did okay in the classes I did take, but I didn’t really take anything beyond my expected courses because I always had an SRT, Art and gym. I wonder where I’d be if I had taken art privately outside of school, didn’t have an SRT, and instead took more stimulating classes (but wait, do they exist?) or at least harder ones like World History, Political Science, Macroeconomics, Calculus BC, Chemistry, etc. (I want to take all those in college). Ugh. I just feel lame. I am both “performing” (what the fuck kind of term is that anyway?) under my usual level and feeling less challenged. No feelings of satisfaction. I’d be better off living in Mexico to learn Spanish, or even working in a Mexican restaurant, really. And I’d just be better off without statistics and its boring ass limited to the calculator applications. So, it’s “applicable” to the real world… it’s also boring, and I like deviating from the “real-world.”
I am also getting worried my about my lackluster grades cause colleges look at them. I am feeling kind of hopeless at this point about college, but oh well, after I submit these last supplements, it really is out of my hands.
I wish I could be brilliant at something. Others sortof think I am, but I know they are wrong. I have some amount of talent for certain things, like art and writing and thinking, but NOT at ALL as much as other people, and I have been losing my creativity. I just have natural tendencies toward it, but they are completely undeveloped. I wish I could be like Karen or Lizzee and go to a super intense college to excel at my passion. Too bad I do not have one thing singled out. I may never have one thing, which is okay, but I’d like to excel at something so I can eventually contribute to that field.
I wonder if I really will end up majoring in Sociology. Lol.
Katie’s life plan sounds pretty cool. She wants to live near Benton Harbor, Michigan, where we go for Habitat trips, to be a teacher. That is actually really really awesome and so clever even though it is right under our noses. That’s such a good thing to do with your life, and a way she can make a real impact. She is already familiar with the place and has roots there. I respect her so much.
Adding to my turtliness today, I felt distant from everyone. I am not sure if they were just tired, or if my lack of energy was contagious. But seriously, I greeted so many people in the hallway and hardly any responded. Okay sure, some were halfhearted or delayed, but it was scary. I feel like I am losing connections with people. But Mel got “Dream I Dream” tattooed on the inside of her lower lip…pretty sweet. Probably the best place to get a tattoo—for shock value and secrecy. But AGH that must have hurt. Also, I am curious about her sexual orientation, as I notice she is always around lezzies. That may not mean anything, and really, it doesn’t matter, but I want to know her better in general. She is awesome.
Haya seemed really forcedly enthusiastic when I saw her after school in the hall. Perhaps she was just tired, but… no. Her eyes kept darting her eyes away as we spoke. I thought she seemed excited to see me back before winter break. Maybe all that drinking has changed her perspective on her dry old best friend. I am horrible. But WHAT ever did happen to our friendship? I have kept better contact with random acquaintances than I have with my supposed best friend. I guess I should stop depending on that label. She isn’t my best friend anymore, but I still consider her one. She surely doesn’t consider me one. I hope she still considers me a close friend at least. She is still really excited to be friends with Michelle…perhaps our triumvirate (ha) deteriorated. Damn. Upsetting. I feel hopeless and worthless trying to establish communication. It doesn’t work when it’s one-sided.
I also feel like Michelle sometimes uses me. She just relies on me being nice and doing favors for her, while she really only wants to hang out with Kristian. Okay that is mean. She wants to hang out with me and with me and Ben. But still, sometimes she is just really absorbed in her man that I feel she forgets about me. Which is okay, I can handle myself, but I’d just like some reliable friends. Hot damn.
Ben is probably the most reliable person (outside of my family of course) in my life currently. I don’t really understand why he is so committed to me. Especially because he is really, honestly, just way cooler and with it and into more interesting things and leads a more creative lifestyle than I do. But I am grateful. I really am.
At least several people liked my kitty cat shirt. And it was really nice of my grandparents to call me and praise me for my art. That made me feel good. The heating pad I pressed on my back felt cool too. I also liked exercising. And napping for an hour. Well well. I should focus on the positives, not the negatives. I’ve been holding in all this complaining for the whole school year, so might as well let it out.
Good thing I only have art due tomorrow…my brain’s kinda gone.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
the return...
one of the most vital lessons i have been learning is to go with your gut, and the rest will follow.
with decisions at least, it is the way to go. even in everyday life, deciding what to do based on feelings often gets me where i need to be.
an important lesson for me to apply, as i am prone to indecision. i should learn to trust myself.
i am here writing this instead of sleeping because i often let my itchings to document my life go unsatisfied--no longer! i miss recording the ongoings of my life. i've written in my journal lately, but honestly i do not have the patience to write out daily occurrences in there. i'd rather record feelings and reflections in there. when i get more time (hackhack, never)--excuse me when i make more time for things, i want to actually keep a sketchbook. definitely this summer. but one where i record anything that flies out of my brain, to encourage my creativity out.
that is my main problem with my high school: the lack of creativity. i'm not saying it's entirely boring, but it is for sure not satisfying or conducive to my creative side. perhaps i shouldn't blame my high school for this, but i can certainly attribute it to my environment. my peers are not that creative. for the most part (and to my knowledge) they do not deviate from their contained lives. what i mean is, they don't live edgy lives. they aren't into art or literature or philosophy or good music or even the internet. now, i speak of those i have encountered. and okay maybe i have met some people who lean towards what i described, but then--ALL OF THEM DO DRUGS and other things i do not want to get into. shit, now i sound naive. i am recognizing my stereotype for these people. but i sincerely am repelled from substance abuse culture and its associations. yeah, these people probably are interesting and maybe do not ALWAYS do drugs, but personally i do not want to be involved in any of that, and thus i kinda shut out those labeled as "druggies." also, i just don't know how i would become associated with these people if it weren't forced. i'm not friends with them.
so basically what i feel we are lacking are some good solid NERDS. the interesting type. the types who aren't into school (but are probably awesome at it) but are into so many other things and have large stores of knowledge and experience with what they are drawn to. passionate people, but not considered "successful" by normal standards. people who listen to good music, damnit.
it might sound stupid, but i feel if i grew up in another environment, i'd be more like that. i have natural tendencies toward it. i am creative, i feel passionate about things, i am interested in the underside of things. but my focus wasn't really on developing those sides of me since about sixth grade. certain things fucked up my self confidence and for a long time i was just trying to make friends and feel accepted again. i came into high school with some legitimate goals: do well in school, be on varsity swimming, own AP art, MAKE FRIENDS and get a boyfriend. i really only haven't achieved that varsity letter (and am so glad of that anyway). the emphasis was really on make friends. i still felt so low socially that that was all i cared about and all i could focus on. i didn't foster interests outside of school, outside of what was expected of me. i suppose i am that dependent on other human beings, or at least i seriously need to feel love and kinship before i am really able to do anything. i have found that confidence fuels anything i do, and combined with perserverence, i can excel. i had nooo confidence. this is pretty much a new phenomenon propagated by two really intimate, healthy romantic relationships, an ever-expanding group of friends, seeing that many people whom i meet actually do in fact like me, and seeing what i can do. and liking myself and feeling some PRIDE for once.
now, i feel socially accepted.
BUT I ALSO FEEL FUCKING BORING.
why couldn't i have turned to books or art when i felt depressed? why didn't i at least read? listen to better music earlier? why for the past three years of my life have i put being a good, straight-edged student before anything else, really? i feel like i shut out my interests, and at this point, it's too late to catch up. i am so damn worried that the peers i would potentially admire and connect with most would find my personal pursuits inferior and my knowledge of things like books and movies and music below them.
well, now that that's out, i will toss a giant WHATEVER at it.
i only did what felt right at the moment for ...well my LIFE. i can't blame myself. i developed in the right ways at the right times, and i will continue to do so. i think i would probably be unhappy or have committed suicide by now if i hadn't remedied my social instability. i love people, and i love living and being myself. i HAD TO DISCOVER THAT.
now that i have, i can learn to balance in things i feel i "missed." and i won't waste time, probably--i'll only do, read, see what really interests me. i hope.
that is one of my resolutions--BALANCE. sums it up.
also, to be able to see the big picture of things and not to SUBMIT automatically. this also comes with confidence. i must be able to take a project like the CAP for Spanish and spend only a little time on reading about the stories, then do it as quickly as possibly while stile enjoying it. i must prioritize, because i will never get to do all i want, and there isn't always time to do things leisurely. i can be efficient and also enjoy things. easy to say, hard to do, though. but i'll strive for it.
i really have those and about a million other resolutions, which maybe i'll post later.
i really should sleep. damn. it's almost 1, i have stayed up til about 3 the past three nights, i am an idiot, my throat is made out of sandpaper (or so it feels)...
but writing this is also important, and i really just shouldn't have gotten distracted earlier. i hate that. i don't even remember what i did all day... hid my head in the sand, i guess?
i woke up past 11 and took my time eating, that's what i did. read like 4 pages of siddhartha. it's not even long at all but i'm not done with it yet. poop. meant to finish it over break.
i had a dream about broken glass a few nights ago--the internet told me it foreshadowed something nice coming to a sudden, unwelcome close. it predicted the future! that thing was WINTER BREAK, which is now technically over.
hot damnnnnn.
i always feel like it is forever, though. but i didn't get to do so many things i wanted to--finish college apps (hell!), hang out with mel and so many others, go downtown with ben, go to evanston, finally purchase an easel, go shopping, write letters to people, give out gifts, or GO SLEDDING. pppblt.
but i DID get to...
SLEEP a lot more, see my huge family which was awesome, hang out and bond with david a considerable amount, ditto with ben, reaffirm that i am in love with ben, apply to the jan. 1st schools, go to the beach, get freckles, get and give many hugs, go swimming a ton, jog a bit, take pictures, collect shells, RELAX, forget about school (haa), read a book, buy books, see at least one fantastic movie (slumdog millionaire, but also saw the fall at lizzee's), have an awesome new year's, stay out late, be a better daughter, sister and friend, have an awesome discussion with ben, feel lazy, get sick twice hahaha, see lizzee, see most of my best friends, and at least get a solid start on my CAP.
good good.
but now i need to finish my CAP, write and submit supplements to a few schools, paint something by tuesday, read psych apparently, study stats and catch up, study for finals ew, re-study to re-take spanish test i got an 80 on that i want to remedy.
eh, i can do it. maybe i couldn't do that while feeling super-relaxed over break, but once i get productive, IT CAN BE DONE!
maybe more about specific events over winter break later. it was a really nice, good time. eeee i wish i could have a solid free month like college kiddies do...
with decisions at least, it is the way to go. even in everyday life, deciding what to do based on feelings often gets me where i need to be.
an important lesson for me to apply, as i am prone to indecision. i should learn to trust myself.
i am here writing this instead of sleeping because i often let my itchings to document my life go unsatisfied--no longer! i miss recording the ongoings of my life. i've written in my journal lately, but honestly i do not have the patience to write out daily occurrences in there. i'd rather record feelings and reflections in there. when i get more time (hackhack, never)--excuse me when i make more time for things, i want to actually keep a sketchbook. definitely this summer. but one where i record anything that flies out of my brain, to encourage my creativity out.
that is my main problem with my high school: the lack of creativity. i'm not saying it's entirely boring, but it is for sure not satisfying or conducive to my creative side. perhaps i shouldn't blame my high school for this, but i can certainly attribute it to my environment. my peers are not that creative. for the most part (and to my knowledge) they do not deviate from their contained lives. what i mean is, they don't live edgy lives. they aren't into art or literature or philosophy or good music or even the internet. now, i speak of those i have encountered. and okay maybe i have met some people who lean towards what i described, but then--ALL OF THEM DO DRUGS and other things i do not want to get into. shit, now i sound naive. i am recognizing my stereotype for these people. but i sincerely am repelled from substance abuse culture and its associations. yeah, these people probably are interesting and maybe do not ALWAYS do drugs, but personally i do not want to be involved in any of that, and thus i kinda shut out those labeled as "druggies." also, i just don't know how i would become associated with these people if it weren't forced. i'm not friends with them.
so basically what i feel we are lacking are some good solid NERDS. the interesting type. the types who aren't into school (but are probably awesome at it) but are into so many other things and have large stores of knowledge and experience with what they are drawn to. passionate people, but not considered "successful" by normal standards. people who listen to good music, damnit.
it might sound stupid, but i feel if i grew up in another environment, i'd be more like that. i have natural tendencies toward it. i am creative, i feel passionate about things, i am interested in the underside of things. but my focus wasn't really on developing those sides of me since about sixth grade. certain things fucked up my self confidence and for a long time i was just trying to make friends and feel accepted again. i came into high school with some legitimate goals: do well in school, be on varsity swimming, own AP art, MAKE FRIENDS and get a boyfriend. i really only haven't achieved that varsity letter (and am so glad of that anyway). the emphasis was really on make friends. i still felt so low socially that that was all i cared about and all i could focus on. i didn't foster interests outside of school, outside of what was expected of me. i suppose i am that dependent on other human beings, or at least i seriously need to feel love and kinship before i am really able to do anything. i have found that confidence fuels anything i do, and combined with perserverence, i can excel. i had nooo confidence. this is pretty much a new phenomenon propagated by two really intimate, healthy romantic relationships, an ever-expanding group of friends, seeing that many people whom i meet actually do in fact like me, and seeing what i can do. and liking myself and feeling some PRIDE for once.
now, i feel socially accepted.
BUT I ALSO FEEL FUCKING BORING.
why couldn't i have turned to books or art when i felt depressed? why didn't i at least read? listen to better music earlier? why for the past three years of my life have i put being a good, straight-edged student before anything else, really? i feel like i shut out my interests, and at this point, it's too late to catch up. i am so damn worried that the peers i would potentially admire and connect with most would find my personal pursuits inferior and my knowledge of things like books and movies and music below them.
well, now that that's out, i will toss a giant WHATEVER at it.
i only did what felt right at the moment for ...well my LIFE. i can't blame myself. i developed in the right ways at the right times, and i will continue to do so. i think i would probably be unhappy or have committed suicide by now if i hadn't remedied my social instability. i love people, and i love living and being myself. i HAD TO DISCOVER THAT.
now that i have, i can learn to balance in things i feel i "missed." and i won't waste time, probably--i'll only do, read, see what really interests me. i hope.
that is one of my resolutions--BALANCE. sums it up.
also, to be able to see the big picture of things and not to SUBMIT automatically. this also comes with confidence. i must be able to take a project like the CAP for Spanish and spend only a little time on reading about the stories, then do it as quickly as possibly while stile enjoying it. i must prioritize, because i will never get to do all i want, and there isn't always time to do things leisurely. i can be efficient and also enjoy things. easy to say, hard to do, though. but i'll strive for it.
i really have those and about a million other resolutions, which maybe i'll post later.
i really should sleep. damn. it's almost 1, i have stayed up til about 3 the past three nights, i am an idiot, my throat is made out of sandpaper (or so it feels)...
but writing this is also important, and i really just shouldn't have gotten distracted earlier. i hate that. i don't even remember what i did all day... hid my head in the sand, i guess?
i woke up past 11 and took my time eating, that's what i did. read like 4 pages of siddhartha. it's not even long at all but i'm not done with it yet. poop. meant to finish it over break.
i had a dream about broken glass a few nights ago--the internet told me it foreshadowed something nice coming to a sudden, unwelcome close. it predicted the future! that thing was WINTER BREAK, which is now technically over.
hot damnnnnn.
i always feel like it is forever, though. but i didn't get to do so many things i wanted to--finish college apps (hell!), hang out with mel and so many others, go downtown with ben, go to evanston, finally purchase an easel, go shopping, write letters to people, give out gifts, or GO SLEDDING. pppblt.
but i DID get to...
SLEEP a lot more, see my huge family which was awesome, hang out and bond with david a considerable amount, ditto with ben, reaffirm that i am in love with ben, apply to the jan. 1st schools, go to the beach, get freckles, get and give many hugs, go swimming a ton, jog a bit, take pictures, collect shells, RELAX, forget about school (haa), read a book, buy books, see at least one fantastic movie (slumdog millionaire, but also saw the fall at lizzee's), have an awesome new year's, stay out late, be a better daughter, sister and friend, have an awesome discussion with ben, feel lazy, get sick twice hahaha, see lizzee, see most of my best friends, and at least get a solid start on my CAP.
good good.
but now i need to finish my CAP, write and submit supplements to a few schools, paint something by tuesday, read psych apparently, study stats and catch up, study for finals ew, re-study to re-take spanish test i got an 80 on that i want to remedy.
eh, i can do it. maybe i couldn't do that while feeling super-relaxed over break, but once i get productive, IT CAN BE DONE!
maybe more about specific events over winter break later. it was a really nice, good time. eeee i wish i could have a solid free month like college kiddies do...
a new blog is born!
Because I don't spread myself over ALL blogging systems available on the internet, here I am!
Nah, I don't seriously. I really only post on livejournal, and usually I make entries private because too many people I know but outside of my close circle read it. I also have a xanga but it's pretty much extinct with an occasional revival post. I don't write anything of substance on there anyhow. Once I started a Vox, that lasted two weeks.
Here is a neeew start. For the new year, perhaps? I want to move on. I want it to be symbolic. This means I will soon be a changed woman. Maybe.
Nah, I don't seriously. I really only post on livejournal, and usually I make entries private because too many people I know but outside of my close circle read it. I also have a xanga but it's pretty much extinct with an occasional revival post. I don't write anything of substance on there anyhow. Once I started a Vox, that lasted two weeks.
Here is a neeew start. For the new year, perhaps? I want to move on. I want it to be symbolic. This means I will soon be a changed woman. Maybe.
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