decisions make me eat myself.

shit fuck shit crap ahhh holy crap

i am getting really freaked out suddenly about this summer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

when i signed up for AMIGOS, i honestly didn't plan on staying together with ben. i didn't think i would want to stay over the summer if not for him.. i would just work, take some art class, work some more and see friends. it would be fun but AMIGOS appealed to me so much more.

now, after winter break and pretty much falling back in love with ben, I AM SCARED TO LEAVE FOR SIX WEEKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER.

i think of the development i could have at home. and the FUN. and the time i need to catch up in so many areas of my life.

i want to stay for:
ben
art camp
maybe a second job
quality time with my friends and family
art: do more on my own, keep sketchbook, take classes
music: more listening, obtaining, concerts and festivals of course
so many things to do downtown: festivals, thrifting, try out new places, explore
to read and catch up in indie culture
watch movies
perhaps take some trip with my friends
double dates with michelle and kristian
hangouts with ben and my friends, vice versa
ren faire maybe
habitat!
july 4

why i wouldn't mind leaving:
david won't be home
it'd be similarly structured to last summer--but then again, last summer was supreme...
lizzee won't be home
i might be so busy anyhow that i wouldn't get to do a lot of what i mentioned.. but i bet i could do a lot!

GOSH. OHHHHHHHAHHHHHDOSGHOSDGUDGH!!

the worst is that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS. i am PAYING MONEY to leave when i no longer want to.
i am so frightened and nervous and afraid i am making the wrong decision. the whole middle part of the summer. it'll feel crazy. i won't get to do art or any of the above mentioned. oh my God. i hope that this is meant to be, and that it is AWESOME, or else i will cry forever.

i hope financial aid doesn't shun me for taking a trip like this instead of staying home and working.
i really should be staying home and working...
jeez. jeez. jeez.

i just feel like i should have taken this trip sophomore year, when my summer was boring anyhow. i could have become a better person or whatever then and proceeded to make a difference starting then instead of junior year. i could be working THIS summer and stuff. it'd be like flipping the two.
that would have been ideal, yes.

------

as much as i'm freaking out now, i know i won't regret this. i just need to get over it. this is meant to be, or else it wouldn't be happening. it will be beyond worth it.

plus, this is how life will be. from now on. now. being an adult (hahah waaa). i need to make decisions and accept their consequences. and while there will always be negative outcomes, i just have to hope and pray i make the best decisions for myself. the "best" does not always mean the most fun at the time. ahhhhhhh i wish i could just plan out my life but have it be really nice all the time and what am i saying. foolish idealist.

also. hm. maybe my relationship with ben will fluctuate by then anyhow. except i have a feeling it won't. his feelings won't. mine won't unless i get weird again. but i will not. i feel stronger with him. maybe this is a test, and it will also make me stronger. aghghghgh
i hope the rest of the summer at home feels like long enough. i hope i can still makes some money and do art and see people and read and go to concerts and festivals and cool places. i will make the most of it. at least i am not gone the whole time. i will just miss the whole development of it WAHHHHHBOOOO
okay. i also have to realize that sacrifices will always be made in life. i cannot have everything. this is what i chose, this is right, it will be awesome, i should get damn excited about it!!!!