turtling it up

Today I truly felt like a turtle. Unbearably slow, under the weight of my heavy backpack (shell), hiding from the outside world.

School, at least on A-days, is getting to me. My classes are not intellectually stimulating. Really, I hardly even put effort into them anymore. But even when I did, I found no reward and didn’t perform well (except in psych, but duh). Well, I mean just below an A. But I feel like I should be able to get As, because even though they are “AP classes and so much harder,” NO, they really aren’t. I could have taken these classes sophomore year. In fact, my sophomore year was way harder. I’m not sure it was more enjoyable, but I certainly learned more.

I feel lame in school. I hope colleges think my academic record is good, because actually, I don’t. Not compared to what others have accomplished or what I could have. Sure, I did okay in the classes I did take, but I didn’t really take anything beyond my expected courses because I always had an SRT, Art and gym. I wonder where I’d be if I had taken art privately outside of school, didn’t have an SRT, and instead took more stimulating classes (but wait, do they exist?) or at least harder ones like World History, Political Science, Macroeconomics, Calculus BC, Chemistry, etc. (I want to take all those in college). Ugh. I just feel lame. I am both “performing” (what the fuck kind of term is that anyway?) under my usual level and feeling less challenged. No feelings of satisfaction. I’d be better off living in Mexico to learn Spanish, or even working in a Mexican restaurant, really. And I’d just be better off without statistics and its boring ass limited to the calculator applications. So, it’s “applicable” to the real world… it’s also boring, and I like deviating from the “real-world.”

I am also getting worried my about my lackluster grades cause colleges look at them. I am feeling kind of hopeless at this point about college, but oh well, after I submit these last supplements, it really is out of my hands.

I wish I could be brilliant at something. Others sortof think I am, but I know they are wrong. I have some amount of talent for certain things, like art and writing and thinking, but NOT at ALL as much as other people, and I have been losing my creativity. I just have natural tendencies toward it, but they are completely undeveloped. I wish I could be like Karen or Lizzee and go to a super intense college to excel at my passion. Too bad I do not have one thing singled out. I may never have one thing, which is okay, but I’d like to excel at something so I can eventually contribute to that field.

I wonder if I really will end up majoring in Sociology. Lol.

Katie’s life plan sounds pretty cool. She wants to live near Benton Harbor, Michigan, where we go for Habitat trips, to be a teacher. That is actually really really awesome and so clever even though it is right under our noses. That’s such a good thing to do with your life, and a way she can make a real impact. She is already familiar with the place and has roots there. I respect her so much.

Adding to my turtliness today, I felt distant from everyone. I am not sure if they were just tired, or if my lack of energy was contagious. But seriously, I greeted so many people in the hallway and hardly any responded. Okay sure, some were halfhearted or delayed, but it was scary. I feel like I am losing connections with people. But Mel got “Dream I Dream” tattooed on the inside of her lower lip…pretty sweet. Probably the best place to get a tattoo—for shock value and secrecy. But AGH that must have hurt. Also, I am curious about her sexual orientation, as I notice she is always around lezzies. That may not mean anything, and really, it doesn’t matter, but I want to know her better in general. She is awesome.

Haya seemed really forcedly enthusiastic when I saw her after school in the hall. Perhaps she was just tired, but… no. Her eyes kept darting her eyes away as we spoke. I thought she seemed excited to see me back before winter break. Maybe all that drinking has changed her perspective on her dry old best friend. I am horrible. But WHAT ever did happen to our friendship? I have kept better contact with random acquaintances than I have with my supposed best friend. I guess I should stop depending on that label. She isn’t my best friend anymore, but I still consider her one. She surely doesn’t consider me one. I hope she still considers me a close friend at least. She is still really excited to be friends with Michelle…perhaps our triumvirate (ha) deteriorated. Damn. Upsetting. I feel hopeless and worthless trying to establish communication. It doesn’t work when it’s one-sided.

I also feel like Michelle sometimes uses me. She just relies on me being nice and doing favors for her, while she really only wants to hang out with Kristian. Okay that is mean. She wants to hang out with me and with me and Ben. But still, sometimes she is just really absorbed in her man that I feel she forgets about me. Which is okay, I can handle myself, but I’d just like some reliable friends. Hot damn.

Ben is probably the most reliable person (outside of my family of course) in my life currently. I don’t really understand why he is so committed to me. Especially because he is really, honestly, just way cooler and with it and into more interesting things and leads a more creative lifestyle than I do. But I am grateful. I really am.

At least several people liked my kitty cat shirt. And it was really nice of my grandparents to call me and praise me for my art. That made me feel good. The heating pad I pressed on my back felt cool too. I also liked exercising. And napping for an hour. Well well. I should focus on the positives, not the negatives. I’ve been holding in all this complaining for the whole school year, so might as well let it out.

Good thing I only have art due tomorrow…my brain’s kinda gone.